::blows dust from cover and slowly opens storybook::

Tif & Dave skip off holding hands down the path to Grandma's House, scattering Airsoft BB's all along the way.  MY what a big sewing machine you have Grandma!  The better to sew the epaulets onto your costume with my dear!  Tiffany, someones been ironing my patches!  And your little dog too!  WHOOPS, mixing genres.  ::SLAPS OWN FACE::  Nothing arrived in the mail today, but Tiffany & I did take some of my stuff that needed sewing down to her Mom's house.  We were going to borrow her sewing machine and sew our fingers onto my red velour robe, but Tif's Mom stepped in and professionally attached the patches & epaulets.  She also repaired a strap I had enthusiastically separated from it's home.  YAY Tif's Mom!  My Costume looks great.  The only thing I still need for my Friday Night Hall Costume is my Roarke's Drift tee that is still in transit from the UK.  I'm going to try and find a Union Jack tee shirt as a substitution (if necessary).  I'm still waiting for the Tactical Vest, BDU's, and Searchers Leather Gloves.  Tomorrow, definitely! 

David<~~~~~~~~~~FIRED UP!

ARCHON UPDATE@omg/cantbelieve.imdoing/this.com

I think the Mailman hates me. He used to shove all my mail down to the bottom of my mail box. Nothing says "I LOVE YOU" like a Birthday Card from Grandma folded over 5 times. But since I've started out on my eBay aDventure I see him all the time. A TON of stuff arrived today. The Mailman had to haul it down to my apartment. Five packages balanced in one hand. My Archon Costume Accessories ::bats eyelashes:: !  So the only major pieces I'm missing is: Tactical Vest, black BDU's, black leather Search gloves, Russian Naval Officer watch, Bee ring, various pouches and patches that if they are late it's OK.  Today my drop leg platform and holster arrived.  It's going to look cool as soon as I can figure out how to put it on correct.  The resin Cuca Bug skuttled into my life (cause haven't you always wanted a Cuca Bug?)  The golden fringed epaulets.  Ain't I fancy?  Biohazard temporary tattoos.  I'm going to put one on my neck.  I'm not White Trash, more like Beige.  Tune in at 10 to catch the David Whisker Watch!

PS:  I'm watching Late Night with David Letterman and I have this to say, "Katherine Heigl needs smooched."  Just saying...

Mrs. David Austin Smith

Second costume for Archon...

Think ALIENS + BLADE RUNNER + ENEMY MINE and you get the general idea.  I'm going as a NEXUS 12 Security Officer for a Xenomorph Lab on Haley's Hope who has a pet CUCA bug.  A quick read of the rules of the Convention, I have to have all weapons holstered/sheathed (which may suck considering the large shotgun I'm wearing on a sling around my neck) and no firing weapons allowed.  So I have to disable the three airsoft bb guns so that they cannot fire.  The USCM officer's pistol is solid resin so no drama there.  I even bought an universal sheath for my rubber knife.  My first attempt (and it seemed a good idea at the time) was to buy an inexpensive real knife set and just use the sheath.   Didn't fit.  So now I have this wicked hunting knife ::banjos playing::.  I'm hoping all the stuff arrives on time, I'm having trouble with the slim fit leather gloves and black BDU's.  The company I ordered them from is slow as ach eee double hockey sticks.  I'll add pictures when they exist...

UPDATE:  I managed to attach the 24th Regimental shako plate onto my pith helmet & I put the Weyland-Yutani sticker on the back of the swat riot helmet STRAIGHT and CENTERED!

"What is a CUCA bug" you ask?  Watch the beginning of the folloing video and you'll see a CUCA bug fall into a sandtrap and be consumed by it's predator.  That reminds me, LUNCHTIME!

David<~~~~~~~~NERD!

(BUT YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY DIDN'T CHA?)

First Year for ARCHON at Westport!

So this will be the first year that I'll be wearing a costume to the Convention!


Michael Cain from the classic movie ZUZU!

HERE IS THE LIST OF WHAT I'LL BE WEARING FRIDAY NIGHT:

1. White Pith Helmet with the 24th Gold Shako Plate
2. I'm growing Mutton Chops at this very moment
3. Red Terry Cloth Bathrobe with Gold Epaulets sewn onto the shoulders
4. South Africa War Medal
5. 24th Regiment Lapel Pin
6. Vintage 24th Regiment T-Shirt
7. Proper 24th Regiment Swagger Stick
8. Black Silk Pajama Bottoms
9. Black Slippers

I'm going as "EXCUSED DUTY"

I'll add pictures as soon as I have it all assembled...

David<~~~~~~~~~~~~NERD!

::bows::

BIKE UPDATE!

You get what you pay for. When you pay $150 for a Schwinn bicycle you don't get much. I love Schwinn design, they invented the Cruiser for crissakes! Just for you readers (HA! Read-ER, who am I kidding?) who haven't heard: DO NOT BUY A BICYCLE FROM SCHWINN! Here is what I have had go wrong with my bike so far:

SCHWINN'S FAILURES

1. Paid a Schwinn Dealer almost $700 and was made to wait a month and a half to finally find out from Schwinn they were never going to give me the bike I ordered.  Schwinn's Motto "Where Customer Service is #5!
2. Chain guard come loose while riding, that was interesting.
3. Improperly assembled wheel at the Schwinn Factory caused a flat front tire which ruined my ride.
4. Poorly designed saddle fails while I'm biking and has to be replaced. 

At this point I'm just waiting for the frame to snap in two or the high pitched squeal of the chain's failure to attract a pack of rabid dogs that rip off my legs and then devour them.  In case a Schwinn Customer Service Representative is reading this and doesn't quite understand, let me put it this way...SCHWINN SUCKS ASS!
My next bike (and sooner rather than later the way things are going) will be a Workman.  I'm going to give the boys at the Bicycle Factory some interesting challenges.  We'll see if they are up for it...

Imagine this...

PLUS this...

(I'm going to have them add a brushed metal panel filling up the upper portion of the bike frame)

I still have the LINDY fender ornament and the winged hubcaps after all ::shrugs::

I have a love/hate relationship with Schwinn (love the design of the 1955 Phantom Cruiser/hates Schwinn's horrid Customer Service)

IN SUMMARY

Nails on a blackboard
Exposed tooth nerve
Smell of burning hair
Schwinn customer service

(500) Days of Summer has been added to the list

I made a list of my favorite Romantic Movies on this Journal.  I just added a new entry to the list (not really, I'm too lazy to find the original posting).  Watching this movie makes me laugh and cry at the same time.  Having Zooey Deschanel in it doesn't hurt either.  I need to buy the soundtrack, I love her voice (check her out in ELF) "I'm singing, I'm in a store, and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!, I'm in a store, and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!"

(this is Zooey Deschanel and her music partner performing as She & Him)

EXTRA CREDIT:  This is a picture from the movie 9

If you haven't seen 9, turn off your computer and go rent it!

DAVID<~~~hopeless romantic nerdy music enthusiastic!

::snort::

YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME...

• United States (US) 693  
• Australia (AU) 10
• Canada (CA) 8
• United Kingdom (GB) 3
• Croatia (HR) 2
• Germany (DE) 2
• Faroe Islands (FO) 1
• Japan (JP) 1
• Thailand (TH) 1
• Saudi Arabia (SA) 1

Shorty, Brando, Forest and Fez...

Brando Style Motorcycle Cap 

Forester Cap

Black Fez with Black Tassel

The people that know me, know that I love hats.  I always have.  As a child living in Kansas I wore an Australian Bush hat (mosquito netting, one side snapped up, the whole works) and ran around talking in a fake accent.  In both of my High Schools I wore a Trucker's cap that read "GO BIG BLUE".  The Manhattan Indians and the Junction City Blue Jays (bitter rivals) had the same Football Chants (::shrugs:: I was born under a lucky star).  Later in College it was a red Sailor cap at KSU.  I wore a bright orange/yellow/red plaid Pork Pie hat in Kansas and later also in Missouri (plaid is a good transitional pattern).  And I wore a Greek Fisherman's cap at Mizzou.  That brings us to Bill.  There will always be a soft spot in my heart for Marlin Fishing caps (you say tomato, I say Oysterman's cap).  It's lucky that I love them so, I currently own about 8 long billed caps.  When my original Marlin Fishing cap became too gross and worn out to continue wearing, I wore it for another two years.  Defiant Me, "I'll quit wearing Bill when he's framed under glass and hanging on my wall."  Be careful what you wish for...


Over the years people have commented on my hats and what wearing them means.  A frienemy quipped, "You are just trying to be different."  Some past associates commented, "Dave, you are kinda weird."  And long time friends have stated, "I can't imagine you without one."  And my reply to them all is, "YES!"  Flash forward to today:  It's early on Monday morning, I've just awoken.  I'm sitting on the sofa on my laptop and this is my wardrobe:

1. Yesterday's socks
2. Boxer shorts
3. Watch and Claddagh ring
4. Glasses
5. and Shorty

Shorty Said So

David<~~~~~~~~~~~Hat kind of a guy!

They say you never forget how to ride a bike

They lie.  I'm still wobbly when I ride.  I no longer have bicycle muscle memory.  When I was a kid riding my bike was like a Mongol guiding his long haired pony with his knees as he fires a compound bow at his enemies.  Now if I take ONE hand off of my handlebars I wobble like a drunk outside Larry Rice's Downtown Mission.  Every time something weird comes along, stick in the middle of the path.  Steel bar poking out of the middle of the bike path, it could be anything.  I have to really pay attention or I may wreck.  I'm talking about seriousily paying attention.  The afore mentioned stick was laying lengthwise in the middle of the path and when my front wheel hit it and rode up on it the stick started to roll sideways.  Yes, you see where this is going.  The first thing that travels through your mind is, "DON'T HURT THE BIKE, DON'T HURT THE BIKE!" The second thing is "DON'T HURT YOURSELF, DON'T HURT YOURSELF!"  By the way, I'm OK.  Nine year old Bike David wouldn't even recognize Forty Four year old Bike David.  I know it's just a matter of time in the saddle and I will regain my bicycle muscle memory.  Or (not kidding) I will die trying...

David<~~~~~~~~~~~thinks he is falling in love with GREENWAY

The early morning sunshine reveal the woods in a whole new light...

So I get up at 6:30 am, suit up and drive down to the junction of three bike trails.  I then proceed to bike all three!  Like drawing a star, I ride down one leg then pedal back and head down the next trail.  I got to bike on a part I have never seen before.  I pass fishermen staking out their favorite spot for the day.  I pass a grandfather taking his grandkids fishing for the first time.  I pass couples holding hands.  I pass a young mother out exercising and pushing her sleeping baby in the stroller.  I pass runners.  I pass walkers.  I pass bicyclists.  I ride past the deserted RC Car track, complete with miniature dirt hills and jumps.  I ride past the not deserted RC Plane airfield, and get to watch a man seemingly try to crash his plane on purpose.  I figure out what the weird smell I sometimes run across is.  All of these bike trails are within a stone's throw of the Municipal Sewage Treatment Facility.  I'm glad to reafirm that ditches of leaves and mud do not smell like poop (I was starting to doubt myself).  I got to listen to Rockabilly music as I bike along.  The people I pass get to listen to Rockabilly music as I bike along.  And no that is not rude.  I have about a 50% success rate on notifying other trail folk (like we live underneath mushrooms) that I am "Passing on your left!"  Some have ear buds in, some are hard of hearing, some are talking on their cell phones, and some just don't care.  Almost EVERYONE hears me coming as Little Richard screams "SHE CAN'T HELP IT, THE GIRL CAN'T HELP IT ~ OH YEAH!"  I play Rockabilly because #1 I like it and #2 so do most people. Mostly I get smiles as people remember hearing for the first time what I'm playing.  It's also cool to realize how important St. Louis and this region was to Rock and Roll.  St. Louie is featured in song after song (it doesn't hurt to have one of the kings of Rockabilly from St. Louis and still living here)...

HAIL! HAIL! ROCK AND ROLL!

I finally remembered to take a picture of my new bicycle, so here it is:

Yeah that's my bumper sticker:

Today's Health Game:  David 1 and Diabetes 4

Today's Bike Ride

I need to install my speedometer.  As near as I can figure I biked 8 miles today.  I could've gone further but it was lunchtime and the afternoon sun might have been rough.  Today I biked Greenway.  Nice bike path that follows the Meremac River and then curves around a lake.  Today's nature sightings:  Short heavy bodied black dragon fly with a powder blue abdomen and stripped wings  They would follow me for quite a while as I road through their flight corridor, I swear they flew through my spinning spokes twice.  Red-eared slider turtle eating a dead fish in the shallows next to the boat ramp.  His shell was covered in moss, algae and mud, the fish carcass moving was what caught my eye.  And I almost ran over a Pickerel frog, scared me to death.  I use "search images" that run constantly in my head to identify animals and species that I enjoy.  Even halfway paying attention I can spot a deer, or a muskrat, or a PICKEREL FROG.  Today not so much.  I have been biking mostly at Sugertree Park lately and it felt good to bike somewhere else.  I need to hit bike trails further afield.  Grant's Trail is my next weekend jaunt.  Tomorrow morning maybe?  OK, after I get home and after I dry off from my shower, why do I keep sweating for 30 minutes more?  Weird.  Here is a riddle for you...

WHEN IS A BICYCLE

NOT A BICYCLE?

David<~~~~~~~~~~~~Bicyclist!

Funny thing about dogs

I love my dog.  I love my Dad.  When I was a kid at Ft. Leavenworth, Dad, Mom, myself and my little brother went down to the local Strip Center.  They had a Pet Shop so of course we went in.  Lots of cute puppies and Mark & I started in..."Dad can we have a puppy, oh look at this black & white one, PLEASE, I'll take care of him, he likes us, Dad can we have a puppy?  Our normal routine.  Nothing different than any other time we visited a Pet Shop.  We finish up eating ice cream and then head home.  As we are walking into the house, Dad turns to us and says "If you guys want that Black & White puppy, you can have her".  BOOM.  It's like getting hit by lightning.  Mom looks at me, I look at Mark, and Mark screams "YAY"!  So we hustle back to the Pet Store before it closes and buy the little Black and White dog.  Come to find out this breed is called a Boston Terrier.  Dad suggests we name her Snooky.  Ok.  Great week of playing with the new puppy and watching how Snooky and Prince our Pomeranian get along.  Great times.  Later on we are talking to my Dad's mother Mamma Smith and we tell her about our new puppy.  "Oh" she says, "Your Daddy had two little Black and White bulldogs, I think they were called Boston Bulls.  He had a boy named Bo and a little female named (wait for it...wait for it) SNOOKY!"  We all turn to look at Dad and he finds something interesting about the wall near the ceiling.  My family has had lots of Bostons over the years (Snooky, Bo, Mitzy, Snooky II), they are a great breed and the main reason I love dogs and now own a Boston (Joe and now Snooky II, yes she's a hand-me-down).  Snooky is at this very moment sleeping and trying to prop her head on my knee.  I'm sure there are lots of better positions to sleep in, but that is why I love her.  And why I love my Dad.  Funny thing about dogs, they can bring a family together...

The shape of things to come...

"Buttermilk" Dave Outlandish

Tif & Dave

DAVID AND TIFFANY

Yeah, I live pretty high on the hog...

1st weight goal = 250lbs. 2nd weight goal = 200lbs.

Today's weigh

  in = 241lbs!   

David<~~~~~~~~skinnier

I will take a picture of MY new bike soon...

Until then, here is a picture of what the bike looks like:

(stock photo of my new bicycle)





Long story of why I had to switch bicycles....


(this is the short version)

1. David loves Schwinn Cruisers
2. David orders & pays for Schwinn's most expensive Cruiser
3. David waits two weeks for new bike to arrive
4. David calls Schwinn Dealer to figure out the delivery delay of new bike
5. David discovers Schwinn's most expensive Cruiser has been out of stock since April
6. David's girlfriend finds the correct bike in stock in Ft. Myers Florida and contacts Schwinn Dealer
7. David is to be contacted by the Schwinn Dealer
8. David waits one week
9. David calls Schwinn Dealer
10. David is assured by the Schwinn Dealer that the transfer will be arranged by the Schwinn Rep
11. David is to be contacted by the Schwinn Rep
12. David waits one week
13. David calls Schwinn Dealer
14. David is to be contacted by the Schwinn Rep
15. David waits one week
16. David calls Ft. Myers Florida Schwinn Dealer and discovers they know nothing about a transfer
17. David takes his receipt into Schwinn Dealer and gets his money back
18. David still loves Schwinn Cruisers
19. David buys an inexpensive Schwinn Cruiser from K-Mart
20. David names his bike "Meremac Jack"
21. David begins riding his bike

(they won't be making the bicycle I really wanted until maybe 2012, or I may buy a restored vintage bike)


David<~~~~~~~disappointed in Schwinn's horrible customer service
David<~~~~~~~really LOVES riding his new bicycle


PS:  on last night's ride I wore my double propeller baseball cap and I made those baby's spin!

Toying with an idea...

I'm trying to think of a name for myself to use on YouTube.  I'm also trying to think of names for channels I may or may'nt put on YouTube.  A channel dedicated to my love of Zoo's would be "TheLazyTuatara".  A channel featuring weird and funny content (quit that, I am too funny) might be named "laughsWITHyou".  A trivia channel would be called "MEDIOCRATES".  Finally, a YouTube channel full of travel journal entries might be called "THElowROAD".  I have no clue how to refer to myself on Youtube, "Something DAVE" or "Something else David".  If anyone has any suggestions, fell free to pipe in and post them in the comments.  Any and all help would be greatly appreciated...


(the girlfriend thinks I should just use ELDAVO to refer to myself, maybe updated to "elDAVO", idk)

Who Killed Cock Robin?

I, said the Sparrow,

with my bow and arrow,

I killed Cock Robin.

Who saw him die?

I, said the Fly,

with my little eye,

I saw him die.

Who caught his blood?

I, said the Fish,

with my little dish,

I caught his blood.

Who'll make the shroud?

I, said the Beetle,

with my thread and needle,

I'll make the shroud.

Who'll dig his grave?

I, said the Owl,

with my pick and shovel,

I'll dig his grave.

Who'll be the parson?

I, said the Rook,

with my little book,

I'll be the parson.

Who'll be the clerk?

I, said the Lark,

if it's not in the dark,

I'll be the clerk.

Who'll carry the link?

I, said the Linnet,

I'll fetch it in a minute,

I'll carry the link.

Who'll be chief mourner?

I, said the Dove,

I mourn for my love,

I'll be chief mourner.

Who'll carry the coffin?

I, said the Kite,

if it's not through the night,

I'll carry the coffin.

Who'll bear the pall?

We, said the Wren,

both the cock and the hen,

We'll bear the pall.

Who'll sing a psalm?

I, said the Thrush,

as she sat on a bush,

I'll sing a psalm.

Who'll toll the bell?

I said the bull,

because I can pull,

I'll toll the bell.

All the birds of the air

fell a-sighing and a-sobbing,

when they heard the bell toll

for poor Cock Robin.

What is the opposite of a "Farmer's Tan"?

OK, this summer I have spent more time at the pool than all the previous 20 years combined. Being an overweight white guy, I wear a tee shirt as I read in my floating pool lounger. That brings us to the subject of Farmer's Tans. I have one, or had one. Last THURSDAY I decided it was a good idea to pull my short sleeves up to my shoulders and get rid of the pale parts of my upper arms. Now TODAY I take about 6 Tylenol Extra Strengths to manage the pain. What pain? Ohhhhhhh, you haven't been paying attention. 20 year old Farmer's Tan pale upper arms + 115 degree day in Missouri at 1pm = worse sunburn EVER! Not kidding, can't move it hurts so bad. I'm not a wimp, I once had a Dentist comment, "I don't know how you stood the pain" (he was referring to the dead nerves that were rotting inside my damaged tooth that were attached to my still functioning root nerves). I'm a tough ol' bird. So let's make a list of what hurts my sunburned inverse Farmer's Tan.

1. Heat
2. Friction
3. Touching
4. not Touching
5. thinking about not Touching

You know what I'm thinking about at this very moment? Nice, you have been paying attention. Chocolate milk with your cookie snack today Junior! The only thing I look forward to since my ill-fated Farmer's Tan Plan, is cool showers and sleeping on my over soft leather sofa. Cool showers rank right up there with itchy ear canals and extra plush Q-tips. Who knew that my sofa would be a comfort with my sunburn. The leather is very soft and cool so it only hurts if I move while sleeping. No problem, sound silly? I haven't moved an inch the last two nights. Not only am I tough ol' bird, but I'm a smart cookie to boot. Heck I probably qualify for the early bird worm special. I just realized that I haven't thought about my sunburn for about 10 minutes now. Damn, I just thought about it. Still hurts. Oh well, "That which does not kill you, will probably end up as a biopsy in a lab somewhere" I know, it's a gift.
David&lt;~~bright red upper arms and in love with his sofa!

the Humane Society of the United States is a SCAM!

Do not donate any money to the Humane Society of the United States. HSUS has NO affiliation with your local animal shelters. They are scamming money out of people under the guise of 'animal welfare', they actually advocate 'animal rights'. The money HSUS raises is spent on advertising and to harass local farmers and ranchers with new laws and regulations. PeTA took over the Humane Society of the United States a long time ago...

http://humanewatch.org/ (read up on some of the shenanigans of HSUS)

::jumps down from my soapbox

& resumes worrying about my new bike::

DAVID<~~~~~~hates PeTA & HSUS

I'M WAITING!

This is my impression of a man who paid an outrageous sum of money for a bicycle almost a month ago that now looks like was out of stock since April...


It's uncanny isn't it, my impressions are always spot on!


Don't cry for me Argentina (you'd cry too if it happened to you)

My New Bike Checklist...

EVERYTHING I NEED

TO RIDE MY BIKE

IN FOREST PARK!

Here we go...


BICYCLE HELMET
BICYCLE BELL
CUP HOLDER
WATER BOTTLE
WATER BOTTLE HOLDER
HANDLE BAR LIGHTS
BICYCLE SPEEDOMETER
DUAL REAR SAFETY FLASHERS
CUSTOM VALVE CAPS
WHEEL LIGHT SET
BIKE TRAILER
ANTI-RATTLE LOCKABLE HITCH PIN
LOCKABLE BIKE BOX
BICYCLE HUBCAPS
BICYCLE FLAG HOLDERS
BICYCLE SPEAKER SYSTEM
REPRODUCTION LINDY FENDER ORNAMENT
REPRODUCTION SCHWINN REAR REFLECTOR


Notice anything missing?


David<~~~~~~~~~~~bike-less


(maybe it'll arrive next week)

I haven't been this excited since...

THE WATCHMEN MOVIE CAME OUT!

Ladies and Gentlemen

Austin Enterprises is proud to present...

Shelby Cycle Company's

Lindy Bicycle

Fender Ornament!

David<~~~~~~~~~~~~~BIG PIMP'N!