Today's Bike Ride

I need to install my speedometer.  As near as I can figure I biked 8 miles today.  I could've gone further but it was lunchtime and the afternoon sun might have been rough.  Today I biked Greenway.  Nice bike path that follows the Meremac River and then curves around a lake.  Today's nature sightings:  Short heavy bodied black dragon fly with a powder blue abdomen and stripped wings  They would follow me for quite a while as I road through their flight corridor, I swear they flew through my spinning spokes twice.  Red-eared slider turtle eating a dead fish in the shallows next to the boat ramp.  His shell was covered in moss, algae and mud, the fish carcass moving was what caught my eye.  And I almost ran over a Pickerel frog, scared me to death.  I use "search images" that run constantly in my head to identify animals and species that I enjoy.  Even halfway paying attention I can spot a deer, or a muskrat, or a PICKEREL FROG.  Today not so much.  I have been biking mostly at Sugertree Park lately and it felt good to bike somewhere else.  I need to hit bike trails further afield.  Grant's Trail is my next weekend jaunt.  Tomorrow morning maybe?  OK, after I get home and after I dry off from my shower, why do I keep sweating for 30 minutes more?  Weird.  Here is a riddle for you...

WHEN IS A BICYCLE

NOT A BICYCLE?

David<~~~~~~~~~~~~Bicyclist!

Funny thing about dogs

I love my dog.  I love my Dad.  When I was a kid at Ft. Leavenworth, Dad, Mom, myself and my little brother went down to the local Strip Center.  They had a Pet Shop so of course we went in.  Lots of cute puppies and Mark & I started in..."Dad can we have a puppy, oh look at this black & white one, PLEASE, I'll take care of him, he likes us, Dad can we have a puppy?  Our normal routine.  Nothing different than any other time we visited a Pet Shop.  We finish up eating ice cream and then head home.  As we are walking into the house, Dad turns to us and says "If you guys want that Black & White puppy, you can have her".  BOOM.  It's like getting hit by lightning.  Mom looks at me, I look at Mark, and Mark screams "YAY"!  So we hustle back to the Pet Store before it closes and buy the little Black and White dog.  Come to find out this breed is called a Boston Terrier.  Dad suggests we name her Snooky.  Ok.  Great week of playing with the new puppy and watching how Snooky and Prince our Pomeranian get along.  Great times.  Later on we are talking to my Dad's mother Mamma Smith and we tell her about our new puppy.  "Oh" she says, "Your Daddy had two little Black and White bulldogs, I think they were called Boston Bulls.  He had a boy named Bo and a little female named (wait for it...wait for it) SNOOKY!"  We all turn to look at Dad and he finds something interesting about the wall near the ceiling.  My family has had lots of Bostons over the years (Snooky, Bo, Mitzy, Snooky II), they are a great breed and the main reason I love dogs and now own a Boston (Joe and now Snooky II, yes she's a hand-me-down).  Snooky is at this very moment sleeping and trying to prop her head on my knee.  I'm sure there are lots of better positions to sleep in, but that is why I love her.  And why I love my Dad.  Funny thing about dogs, they can bring a family together...

The shape of things to come...

"Buttermilk" Dave Outlandish

Tif & Dave

DAVID AND TIFFANY

Yeah, I live pretty high on the hog...

1st weight goal = 250lbs. 2nd weight goal = 200lbs.

Today's weigh

  in = 241lbs!   

David<~~~~~~~~skinnier

I will take a picture of MY new bike soon...

Until then, here is a picture of what the bike looks like:

(stock photo of my new bicycle)





Long story of why I had to switch bicycles....


(this is the short version)

1. David loves Schwinn Cruisers
2. David orders & pays for Schwinn's most expensive Cruiser
3. David waits two weeks for new bike to arrive
4. David calls Schwinn Dealer to figure out the delivery delay of new bike
5. David discovers Schwinn's most expensive Cruiser has been out of stock since April
6. David's girlfriend finds the correct bike in stock in Ft. Myers Florida and contacts Schwinn Dealer
7. David is to be contacted by the Schwinn Dealer
8. David waits one week
9. David calls Schwinn Dealer
10. David is assured by the Schwinn Dealer that the transfer will be arranged by the Schwinn Rep
11. David is to be contacted by the Schwinn Rep
12. David waits one week
13. David calls Schwinn Dealer
14. David is to be contacted by the Schwinn Rep
15. David waits one week
16. David calls Ft. Myers Florida Schwinn Dealer and discovers they know nothing about a transfer
17. David takes his receipt into Schwinn Dealer and gets his money back
18. David still loves Schwinn Cruisers
19. David buys an inexpensive Schwinn Cruiser from K-Mart
20. David names his bike "Meremac Jack"
21. David begins riding his bike

(they won't be making the bicycle I really wanted until maybe 2012, or I may buy a restored vintage bike)


David<~~~~~~~disappointed in Schwinn's horrible customer service
David<~~~~~~~really LOVES riding his new bicycle


PS:  on last night's ride I wore my double propeller baseball cap and I made those baby's spin!

Toying with an idea...

I'm trying to think of a name for myself to use on YouTube.  I'm also trying to think of names for channels I may or may'nt put on YouTube.  A channel dedicated to my love of Zoo's would be "TheLazyTuatara".  A channel featuring weird and funny content (quit that, I am too funny) might be named "laughsWITHyou".  A trivia channel would be called "MEDIOCRATES".  Finally, a YouTube channel full of travel journal entries might be called "THElowROAD".  I have no clue how to refer to myself on Youtube, "Something DAVE" or "Something else David".  If anyone has any suggestions, fell free to pipe in and post them in the comments.  Any and all help would be greatly appreciated...


(the girlfriend thinks I should just use ELDAVO to refer to myself, maybe updated to "elDAVO", idk)

Who Killed Cock Robin?

I, said the Sparrow,

with my bow and arrow,

I killed Cock Robin.

Who saw him die?

I, said the Fly,

with my little eye,

I saw him die.

Who caught his blood?

I, said the Fish,

with my little dish,

I caught his blood.

Who'll make the shroud?

I, said the Beetle,

with my thread and needle,

I'll make the shroud.

Who'll dig his grave?

I, said the Owl,

with my pick and shovel,

I'll dig his grave.

Who'll be the parson?

I, said the Rook,

with my little book,

I'll be the parson.

Who'll be the clerk?

I, said the Lark,

if it's not in the dark,

I'll be the clerk.

Who'll carry the link?

I, said the Linnet,

I'll fetch it in a minute,

I'll carry the link.

Who'll be chief mourner?

I, said the Dove,

I mourn for my love,

I'll be chief mourner.

Who'll carry the coffin?

I, said the Kite,

if it's not through the night,

I'll carry the coffin.

Who'll bear the pall?

We, said the Wren,

both the cock and the hen,

We'll bear the pall.

Who'll sing a psalm?

I, said the Thrush,

as she sat on a bush,

I'll sing a psalm.

Who'll toll the bell?

I said the bull,

because I can pull,

I'll toll the bell.

All the birds of the air

fell a-sighing and a-sobbing,

when they heard the bell toll

for poor Cock Robin.

What is the opposite of a "Farmer's Tan"?

OK, this summer I have spent more time at the pool than all the previous 20 years combined. Being an overweight white guy, I wear a tee shirt as I read in my floating pool lounger. That brings us to the subject of Farmer's Tans. I have one, or had one. Last THURSDAY I decided it was a good idea to pull my short sleeves up to my shoulders and get rid of the pale parts of my upper arms. Now TODAY I take about 6 Tylenol Extra Strengths to manage the pain. What pain? Ohhhhhhh, you haven't been paying attention. 20 year old Farmer's Tan pale upper arms + 115 degree day in Missouri at 1pm = worse sunburn EVER! Not kidding, can't move it hurts so bad. I'm not a wimp, I once had a Dentist comment, "I don't know how you stood the pain" (he was referring to the dead nerves that were rotting inside my damaged tooth that were attached to my still functioning root nerves). I'm a tough ol' bird. So let's make a list of what hurts my sunburned inverse Farmer's Tan.

1. Heat
2. Friction
3. Touching
4. not Touching
5. thinking about not Touching

You know what I'm thinking about at this very moment? Nice, you have been paying attention. Chocolate milk with your cookie snack today Junior! The only thing I look forward to since my ill-fated Farmer's Tan Plan, is cool showers and sleeping on my over soft leather sofa. Cool showers rank right up there with itchy ear canals and extra plush Q-tips. Who knew that my sofa would be a comfort with my sunburn. The leather is very soft and cool so it only hurts if I move while sleeping. No problem, sound silly? I haven't moved an inch the last two nights. Not only am I tough ol' bird, but I'm a smart cookie to boot. Heck I probably qualify for the early bird worm special. I just realized that I haven't thought about my sunburn for about 10 minutes now. Damn, I just thought about it. Still hurts. Oh well, "That which does not kill you, will probably end up as a biopsy in a lab somewhere" I know, it's a gift.
David&lt;~~bright red upper arms and in love with his sofa!

the Humane Society of the United States is a SCAM!

Do not donate any money to the Humane Society of the United States. HSUS has NO affiliation with your local animal shelters. They are scamming money out of people under the guise of 'animal welfare', they actually advocate 'animal rights'. The money HSUS raises is spent on advertising and to harass local farmers and ranchers with new laws and regulations. PeTA took over the Humane Society of the United States a long time ago...

http://humanewatch.org/ (read up on some of the shenanigans of HSUS)

::jumps down from my soapbox

& resumes worrying about my new bike::

DAVID<~~~~~~hates PeTA & HSUS

I'M WAITING!

This is my impression of a man who paid an outrageous sum of money for a bicycle almost a month ago that now looks like was out of stock since April...


It's uncanny isn't it, my impressions are always spot on!


Don't cry for me Argentina (you'd cry too if it happened to you)

My New Bike Checklist...

EVERYTHING I NEED

TO RIDE MY BIKE

IN FOREST PARK!

Here we go...


BICYCLE HELMET
BICYCLE BELL
CUP HOLDER
WATER BOTTLE
WATER BOTTLE HOLDER
HANDLE BAR LIGHTS
BICYCLE SPEEDOMETER
DUAL REAR SAFETY FLASHERS
CUSTOM VALVE CAPS
WHEEL LIGHT SET
BIKE TRAILER
ANTI-RATTLE LOCKABLE HITCH PIN
LOCKABLE BIKE BOX
BICYCLE HUBCAPS
BICYCLE FLAG HOLDERS
BICYCLE SPEAKER SYSTEM
REPRODUCTION LINDY FENDER ORNAMENT
REPRODUCTION SCHWINN REAR REFLECTOR


Notice anything missing?


David<~~~~~~~~~~~bike-less


(maybe it'll arrive next week)

I haven't been this excited since...

THE WATCHMEN MOVIE CAME OUT!

Ladies and Gentlemen

Austin Enterprises is proud to present...

Shelby Cycle Company's

Lindy Bicycle

Fender Ornament!

David<~~~~~~~~~~~~~BIG PIMP'N!

Did you hear about the Farmer who was outstanding in his field?

D
A
V
I
D
(that is the whole joke, it's ok, a lot of people don't get it. Oh sure, I know YOU got the joke)







::curtsies:: that joke my friends earned me $5.00 in McDonald's Gift Certificates, was printed in a giveaway Happy Meal Joke Book, and got me a signed letter from Ronald McDonald (honest, it's hanging on my wall at this very moment). What? Like you wouldn't hang a letter from Ronald if he sent you one...as if! Don't be a HATER!

I have pushed the Red Button!

(that's the one where you spend a

crazy amount of money on a bicycle)

IN MY DEFENSE, THIS IS THE

MODEL THAT I PURCHASED:

(Don't hate me because my bike is beautiful)

Tif and I went down to a local bike shop and I laid my money down. When my bike arrives I'll take down all the crazy accessories that I have so the bike shop guys can install them correctly. I already have my bike carrier, it hooks to the trailer hitch on DEERSLAYER (my silver Pontiac Vibe). Once my bike is all assembled, I'll take an actual picture and post it here. No one can tell me what the tank bell sounds like on my bike. The closest is a guy on the phone at the bike shop said that it's annoying and electronic sounding. I may end up buying a horn anyway. If I did it'd be one of these:

Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

Our Intrepid Hero turns and faces stage right.

Hero "Just a moment, I'm coming"

Dog runs in circles excited to have a visitor.

Our Hero crosses the room and unlocks the door.

Door opens to reveal a tattooed delivery man holding a package.

Dog "Hruff!"

Hero "Cool Beans!"

Hero steps outside and signs for package.

Delivery Man reads signature.

Delivery Man "David?"

Hero "Yep! ROCK ON, I was hoping these would come today!"

Hero steps back inside and carries the package back to the couch with trembling hands.

Dog races Our Hero across the room and jumps up on the sofa.

Our Intrepid Hero sits down & picks up his laptop and resumes blogging about his new bike...

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I love getting packages delivered to my house. If you're forgetful it's like a suprise Birthday Gift!

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Shall we see what's in the box?

1. Schwinn Valve Caps
   
2. Chubby's Cruisers Bicycle Cup Holder - Black
   
3. Empty Bicycle Bell
   
4. MP3 Bicycle Handlebar Speakers
   
5. LED Handlebar Endcap Plugs
   
6. Orbit Wheel Light Set
   
   

(if you are interested in seeing

what these look like I invite you to

visit the site where I purchased them)

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http://www.chubbyscruisers.com/

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The only things I have been dissapointed with are the bicycle flag and pole & the lockable bike rack box. I didn't notice some rust and missing chrome on the flag pole in the ebay picture. The lockable bike box arrived as grey/black instead of black and there was a scuff in the plastic top during shipping. ELVIS said 'TCB" = David sez "NBD" Get it? Get it? If I have to explain the joke then I have failed. Shuffles off stage left...

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In closing I think QUEEN said it best:

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride my bike

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride it where I like

I'd like to sing you a song, it goes a little bit like this...

THE STARS AT NIGHT!
ARE BIG AND BRIGHT!
::CLAP::CLAP::CLAP::CLAP::
DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!

yes that's correct faithful reader, i'm at the ranch
it is impossibly hot and still here (and annoyingly)
the trees in the distance are swaying in a breeze
the tree i'm sitting under is calm
the only clue that there is life on this ranch
is the rattling of the cicadas
further up in the branches of this tree
that's not true, i can hear dogs barking at a kitten
that had the nerve to try and come inside
through THEIR doggie-door
they use it as an excuse
to chase the offender away
they really only like cats when they run
so they can chase them
what can i say, they are dogs
mom sold off all her cattle and goats
now the hillside pasture is going to weeds
really really fast
she had her friends bring over some goats
one billy and 5 nannies
oh, and Osama Bin Llama
he's a llama
he travels with the miniature herd
and keeps them safe from harm
so i thought large flightless birds were scary
the llama looks down on me and is easily
TWICE the weight of the emus
rut ruh
what do llamas want that only i can provide
ha
i end up spending 45 minutes standing in the blistering shade
hand feeding a llama horse pellets
llamas have tiny narrow mouths
and are very delicate as they remove
the feed from your cupped hand
and messy
Osama drops easily half of what he tries to eat
it's funny
now i have hand fed
a lion
a tiger
a bear
a giraffe
a camel
and
a llama
i should put this on my resume...


David<-----IN TEJAS!

I SUPPORT THE RIGHT TO BEAR Cats?

Life Is Good!

Tif announces that she wants a SLURPEE. So we put our shoes on and motor down the street and grab a bite to eat at Mickey Dee's. We both have Double Hamburger Extra Value meals, Tif without onions, mine with extra (it's The Circle Of Life). Then we hop diagonally across the intersection to the closest 7-ELEVEN for the before mentioned libations. On the way home we stop at our local Public Library to pick up some reading material and a couple of movies for later on. Later on (::wink::) we are sitting on Tif's couch watching John Cusack woo his lady love in SAY ANYTHING. Mickey Dee's digested. SLURPEE's turning syrupy. Our books await. And I love Tiffany!



(things can get bad for me, but I can always

count on Tiffany to make me feel better)



David<~~~~~~~Lucky Guy!

A conversation with a "Tea-Bagger"

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, ' WE ARE

THE TEA PARTY,

WE TAKE OUR NAME AND

OUR INSPIRATION FROM

THE BOSTON TEA PARTY!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Oh, are you protesting against

Taxation Without Representation?"

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'What? NO!

WE ARE AGAINST

TAX INCREASES!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Who increased your taxes?"

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'BARAK HUSSAINE

OSAMA DID, HE'S A SOCIALIST!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "No he hasn't, your taxes have gone down

since President Obama was elected into office."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'What? NO! OBAMA'S A

SOCIALIST AND A NaZi!

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Socialism and Nazism are two different

ideologies. They actually hated each other."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'What? NO!

DO YOU EVEN WATCH

BILL O'REILLY?'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Nope.

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'GLEN BECK?'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Nah."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'RUSH?'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "No."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger,

'THEN YOU

DON'T KNOW

ANYTHING!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Socialism is a political philosophy

that encompasses theories of economic

organization based on either public or

direct worker ownership and admin-

istration of the means of production

and the allocation of resources."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'WHAT, ARE YOU ONE

OF THOSE LIBERAL

INTELLECTUALS?'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Yes! And

when did being

smart become

a bad thing?"

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'LIBERAL!

WHAT DO YOU KNOW,

OUR FOUNDING

FATHERS WERE

CONSERVATIVES!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Actually our Founding

Fathers were all Liberals, the

Conservatives were the Tories.

You know, the ones who didn't

even want to be Americans."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'What? NO! OBAMA IS

RAISING OUR TAXES!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "No he isn't."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "No he's not."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger,

'OBAMA

ISN'T

EVEN A

NATURAL

BORN

AMERICAN!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Yes he is!"

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'OBAMA IS A MUSLIM!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Actually,

President Obama

is a Christian."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'UNNNGHT!!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, ::shrugs::

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Tea-Bagger, 'I HATE
COLORED
PEOPLE!'

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Me, "Yea I know..."

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

DAVID<~~~~Proud Conservative Liberal!

thecleverestthingrepublicanseverdidwastalkingpeopleintovotingagainsttheirowninterests...

Eye of newt...

Round about the couldron go:
In the poisones entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Sweated venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first in the charmed pot.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blindworm's sting,
Lizard's leg and howlet's wing.
For charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and couldron bubble.
Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witch's mummy, maw and gulf
Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digg'd in the dark,
Liver of blaspheming Jew;
Gall of goat; and slips of yew
silver'd in the moon's eclipse;
Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips;
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver'd by the drab,
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
For ingrediants of our cauldron.
Double, double toil and trouble,
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.


I just wanted extra onions on my Big Mac...


David<~~watching the McDonald's employees struggle with my special order ::shakes head::

The Evolution of David

Shenandoah, a beautiful song...

sung by,

two different people,

from two different times

LADIES & GENTLEMEN,

I am proud to introduce...

and Ms. Haley Westenra...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00pbZ3QgL1I

( they won't let me embed this video ::pouts:: )

The most important thing

FAMILY: natural born, adopted, or friends you have gathered together. Family is the most important thing. Call your family today and tell them that you love them...

David<~~~~~~loves his Family!