Sunday, September 4, 2011

The Barf Story

     I'm been out of sorts for about a week now and I was "officially" sick yesterday and that is what this post is all about.  I woke up very dizzy.  Stand up and walk straight into a wall dizzy.  It happened last week also and I just slept in till it decided to go away on it's own.  I have been diagnosed with Vertigo (not just a cool comic book label) and have pills for it and everything.  Yesterday sleeping in was not an option because I had to go help the girlfriend's sister move into her new "department" (as Tif's niece says).  So I get up wobbly as hell and take a shower while holding onto the wall with two hands at all times (try that some day).  Thinking my dizziness might be related to my diabetes I eat some yogurt and half an apple so I can take my meds without them tearing up my stomach.  Get dressed all in record time.  I even have time to run by the Post Office to pick up a registered letter someone sent me.  So I hop in 'Deerslayer' and head to downtown Vally Park.  On the way my stomach starts to act weird.  I'm a mind over matter kind of a guy and think no problem, I can handle this.  Turning down the street to the Post Office I start to worry that I might throw up. 
     I'd like to take a moment to let everyone know my personal vomit history.  I rarely throw up.  I don't drink alcohol and I'm rarely sick.  When I am sick and I think I might have to throw up I can control the urge till I get to an appropriate place to throw up, like a bathroom toilet or in a pinch a sink.  Never have I ever thrown up on myself or on anyone or anything that I later regretted.  I'm a good vomiter...
     It's not to bad at first.  I kid myself that my stomach is just rumbling because it's hungry.  Then I kid myself that my stomach is just rumbling because I'm still a little bit dizzy.  As I turn into the Post Office I get one of those little lurches that let you know, barfing is in your immediate future.  I know the names of both of my mail carriers at my apartment and have my favorite postal employees that wait on me in the Post Office.  I KNOW ALL THEIR NAMES and opening the car door in their parking lot was never an option.  It's OK, I can control this.  v-minus-10  Lurch, a little vomit in my mouth.  v-minus-9  I can handle this.  v-minus-8  Lurch, more vomit in my mouth.  v-minus-7  Seeking alternative solutions.  v-minus-6  Spot Wendy's cup on the passenger floorboard.  v-minus-5  SALVATION!  v-minus-4  Dive for cup.  v-minus-3  Rip off lid.  v-minus-2  Check to see if anyone is watching my impending embarrassment, NO ONE - YAY!  v-minus-1  Look down at cup to see that the lid is still on...WHAT?  v-minus-0


ROCKET VOMIT



Here is a partial list of what was affected:

  1. My shirt
  2. My shorts
  3. My beard
  4. My glasses
  5. My hand
  6. The Wendy's cup
  7. The steering wheel
  8. The center console
  9. The gear shift
  10. The rear view mirror
  11. The windshield
  12. The air conditioning vent
  13. The radio
  14. The dashboard
  15. The passenger seat
  16. The passenger seat floorboard
  17. The passenger seat floorboard
  18. The passenger door
  19. The speaker face in the passenger door
  20. and a little bit on the ceiling
The good news?  I only vomited once in my car.  The other three time I managed to barf in the Wendy's cup.  Side note: Holding a cup full of warm vomit is one of the Life Experiences that I could have happily lived without.  So now I have liquid apple chucks sprayed all over the interior of my car.  So I drive to Tif's 2nd job and confess my embarrassment.  Then drive home and curl up on the couch all day long except when I sit up twice to eat the fried chicken and chili dogs Tif brings me to eat.  She's a good girlfriend like that...
David<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~still a pretty good vomiter

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