Saturday, July 17, 2010

What is the opposite of a "Farmer's Tan"?

OK, this summer I have spent more time at the pool than all the previous 20 years combined. Being an overweight white guy, I wear a tee shirt as I read in my floating pool lounger. That brings us to the subject of Farmer's Tans. I have one, or had one. Last THURSDAY I decided it was a good idea to pull my short sleeves up to my shoulders and get rid of the pale parts of my upper arms. Now TODAY I take about 6 Tylenol Extra Strengths to manage the pain. What pain? Ohhhhhhh, you haven't been paying attention. 20 year old Farmer's Tan pale upper arms + 115 degree day in Missouri at 1pm = worse sunburn EVER! Not kidding, can't move it hurts so bad. I'm not a wimp, I once had a Dentist comment, "I don't know how you stood the pain" (he was referring to the dead nerves that were rotting inside my damaged tooth that were attached to my still functioning root nerves). I'm a tough ol' bird. So let's make a list of what hurts my sunburned inverse Farmer's Tan.

  1. Heat
  2. Friction
  3. Touching
  4. not Touching
  5. thinking about not Touching
You know what I'm thinking about at this very moment? Nice, you have been paying attention. Chocolate milk with your cookie snack today Junior! The only thing I look forward to since my ill-fated Farmer's Tan Plan, is cool showers and sleeping on my over soft leather sofa. Cool showers rank right up there with itchy ear canals and extra plush Q-tips. Who knew that my sofa would be a comfort with my sunburn. The leather is very soft and cool so it only hurts if I move while sleeping. No problem, sound silly? I haven't moved an inch the last two nights. Not only am I tough ol' bird, but I'm a smart cookie to boot. Heck I probably qualify for the early bird worm special. I just realized that I haven't thought about my sunburn for about 10 minutes now. Damn, I just thought about it. Still hurts. Oh well, "That which does not kill you, will probably end up as a biopsy in a lab somewhere" I know, it's a gift.
David<~~bright red upper arms and in love with his sofa!

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