Thursday, July 29, 2010

Toying with an idea...

I'm trying to think of a name for myself to use on YouTube.  I'm also trying to think of names for channels I may or may'nt put on YouTube.  A channel dedicated to my love of Zoo's would be "TheLazyTuatara".  A channel featuring weird and funny content (quit that, I am too funny) might be named "laughsWITHyou".  A trivia channel would be called "MEDIOCRATES".  Finally, a YouTube channel full of travel journal entries might be called "THElowROAD".  I have no clue how to refer to myself on Youtube, "Something DAVE" or "Something else David".  If anyone has any suggestions, fell free to pipe in and post them in the comments.  Any and all help would be greatly appreciated...


(the girlfriend thinks I should just use ELDAVO to refer to myself, maybe updated to "elDAVO", idk)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Who Killed Cock Robin?



I, said the Sparrow,

with my bow and arrow,

I killed Cock Robin.

Who saw him die?

I, said the Fly,

with my little eye,

I saw him die.

Who caught his blood?

I, said the Fish,

with my little dish,

I caught his blood.

Who'll make the shroud?

I, said the Beetle,

with my thread and needle,

I'll make the shroud.

Who'll dig his grave?

I, said the Owl,

with my pick and shovel,

I'll dig his grave.

Who'll be the parson?

I, said the Rook,

with my little book,

I'll be the parson.

Who'll be the clerk?

I, said the Lark,

if it's not in the dark,

I'll be the clerk.

Who'll carry the link?

I, said the Linnet,

I'll fetch it in a minute,

I'll carry the link.

Who'll be chief mourner?

I, said the Dove,

I mourn for my love,

I'll be chief mourner.

Who'll carry the coffin?

I, said the Kite,

if it's not through the night,

I'll carry the coffin.

Who'll bear the pall?

We, said the Wren,

both the cock and the hen,

We'll bear the pall.

Who'll sing a psalm?

I, said the Thrush,

as she sat on a bush,

I'll sing a psalm.

Who'll toll the bell?

I said the bull,

because I can pull,

I'll toll the bell.

All the birds of the air

fell a-sighing and a-sobbing,

when they heard the bell toll

for poor Cock Robin.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

What is the opposite of a "Farmer's Tan"?

OK, this summer I have spent more time at the pool than all the previous 20 years combined. Being an overweight white guy, I wear a tee shirt as I read in my floating pool lounger. That brings us to the subject of Farmer's Tans. I have one, or had one. Last THURSDAY I decided it was a good idea to pull my short sleeves up to my shoulders and get rid of the pale parts of my upper arms. Now TODAY I take about 6 Tylenol Extra Strengths to manage the pain. What pain? Ohhhhhhh, you haven't been paying attention. 20 year old Farmer's Tan pale upper arms + 115 degree day in Missouri at 1pm = worse sunburn EVER! Not kidding, can't move it hurts so bad. I'm not a wimp, I once had a Dentist comment, "I don't know how you stood the pain" (he was referring to the dead nerves that were rotting inside my damaged tooth that were attached to my still functioning root nerves). I'm a tough ol' bird. So let's make a list of what hurts my sunburned inverse Farmer's Tan.

  1. Heat
  2. Friction
  3. Touching
  4. not Touching
  5. thinking about not Touching
You know what I'm thinking about at this very moment? Nice, you have been paying attention. Chocolate milk with your cookie snack today Junior! The only thing I look forward to since my ill-fated Farmer's Tan Plan, is cool showers and sleeping on my over soft leather sofa. Cool showers rank right up there with itchy ear canals and extra plush Q-tips. Who knew that my sofa would be a comfort with my sunburn. The leather is very soft and cool so it only hurts if I move while sleeping. No problem, sound silly? I haven't moved an inch the last two nights. Not only am I tough ol' bird, but I'm a smart cookie to boot. Heck I probably qualify for the early bird worm special. I just realized that I haven't thought about my sunburn for about 10 minutes now. Damn, I just thought about it. Still hurts. Oh well, "That which does not kill you, will probably end up as a biopsy in a lab somewhere" I know, it's a gift.
David<~~bright red upper arms and in love with his sofa!

Friday, July 16, 2010

the Humane Society of the United States is a SCAM!

Do not donate any money to the Humane Society of the United States. HSUS has NO affiliation with your local animal shelters. They are scamming money out of people under the guise of 'animal welfare', they actually advocate 'animal rights'. The money HSUS raises is spent on advertising and to harass local farmers and ranchers with new laws and regulations. PeTA took over the Humane Society of the United States a long time ago...


http://humanewatch.org/ (read up on some of the shenanigans of HSUS)

::jumps down from my soapbox
& resumes worrying about my new bike::

DAVID<~~~~~~hates PeTA & HSUS

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I'M WAITING!

This is my impression of a man who paid an outrageous sum of money for a bicycle almost a month ago that now looks like was out of stock since April...


It's uncanny isn't it, my impressions are always spot on!


Don't cry for me Argentina (you'd cry too if it happened to you)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

My New Bike Checklist...

EVERYTHING I NEED
TO RIDE MY BIKE
IN FOREST PARK!



Here we go...


BICYCLE HELMET
BICYCLE BELL
CUP HOLDER
WATER BOTTLE
WATER BOTTLE HOLDER
HANDLE BAR LIGHTS
BICYCLE SPEEDOMETER
DUAL REAR SAFETY FLASHERS
CUSTOM VALVE CAPS
WHEEL LIGHT SET
BIKE TRAILER
ANTI-RATTLE LOCKABLE HITCH PIN
LOCKABLE BIKE BOX
BICYCLE HUBCAPS
BICYCLE FLAG HOLDERS
BICYCLE SPEAKER SYSTEM
REPRODUCTION LINDY FENDER ORNAMENT
REPRODUCTION SCHWINN REAR REFLECTOR


Notice anything missing?


David<~~~~~~~~~~~bike-less


(maybe it'll arrive next week)

Friday, July 2, 2010

I haven't been this excited since...

THE WATCHMEN MOVIE CAME OUT!
Ladies and Gentlemen
Austin Enterprises is proud to present...

Shelby Cycle Company's

Lindy Bicycle

Fender Ornament!

David<~~~~~~~~~~~~~BIG PIMP'N!


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Did you hear about the Farmer who was outstanding in his field?

D
A
V
I
D
(that is the whole joke, it's ok, a lot of people don't get it. Oh sure, I know YOU got the joke)







::curtsies:: that joke my friends earned me $5.00 in McDonald's Gift Certificates, was printed in a giveaway Happy Meal Joke Book, and got me a signed letter from Ronald McDonald (honest, it's hanging on my wall at this very moment). What? Like you wouldn't hang a letter from Ronald if he sent you one...as if! Don't be a HATER!