Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Easy as Pie. No problemo...


Years ago I was the District Manager for KB Toys and my first District covered Nebraska, part of Iowa and part of S. Dakota. So you kinda have a pattern you fall into doing your visits of your stores. You know what you can get done in one day. So I figure I can pop over to Des Moines, visit some stores and then leave early and get back to Omaha in time to see some TV show I was following at the time. Easy as pie. No problemo. I have 'Search Images' that run in my head and I pay attention. I look for certain things that I like or think are important. Example = turtles on the road. I stop and move them to safety. Birds of prey sitting on power lines, I always notice them and then look for the next one when the first one's territory ends. So...I'm heading home, roaring down the Interstate, singing along with the radio when I see it. I rush right past it in my Company Van and I think to myself, no that can't be right. But I don't really second guess myself, I saw what I saw. I pull over, put the car into reverse and back down the shoulder to the spot. I get out and sure enough. There is a piglet standing on the edge of the paved shoulder, half in the weeds and half on the asphalt. I think I'm going to be late to see my TV show. I walk back to my Van. I'm a big ol' Boy Scout at heart, "Be Prepared" was our motto and I'm still pretty anal retentive. So I have an old red plaid blanket and some other 'roadside' emergency items stuffed in a book bag in the Van. I think I'll throw the blanket over the piglet and catch it. Easy as pie. No problemo. Can't have a piglet getting hit on the Interstate if I can do something about it, the Farmer will want his piglet back. So I head back to the spot and HELLO, a State Patrol Car! A State Trooper has stopped to see what I'm doing on the side of the Interstate. HA-funny situation. I think I'm going to be late to see my TV show. I explain to the Trooper the whole piglet/blanket story and I promise that I will NOT chase the piglet out onto the Interstate, if Porky chooses to hoof it into the fast lane then he IS bacon. I will not risk my life to save a pig. The Trooper gets on his radio and I turn back to the piglet to discover that Porky has decided that discretion is the better part of valor. The piglet had fled further down the embankment into the weeds away from the Interstate. I can't even see him the weeds are so tall, but I can tell he's there. He can't push himself through the weeds any further but he's easy to spot because he's making the tall grass quiver. All I have to do it throw the blanket over him. Easy as pie. No problemo. I have one shot at this, I don't want the piglet to get away and maybe get run over on the Interstate. Wade thru weeds. Breath deep. Throw blanket. Pig squeals. Pounce on piglet. Crotch of pants rips. I catch the pig. I think I'm going to be late to see my TV show. Pigs wiggle a lot and make a lot of noise. I truss the pig up tight in the blanket, wrap him up with NO chance to get away. Cool, now I can give the piglet to the Trooper and he can get Porky back to his rightful owner. Easy as Pie. No problemo. Proudly and feeling a slight breeze I haul my prize back up to the Interstate. Lo and behold, no State Patrol Car, no State Trooper. I think I'm going to be late to see my TV show. OK re-access situation. I can still find someone to tell me who owns the piglet, turn over the pig and then make it back home in time to see my TV show. Easy as Pie. No problemo. Haul the piglet back to my Company Van, now what to do with the pig? I don't want him to go running all over my Van while I'm driving. Hmmm? Then I notice the stuff I have dumped onto the floorboard of my Van. Happily I stuff the blanket wrapped piglet into the book bag. He barely fits, blanket and everything, but he will NOT be getting out of this book bag. I prop him up against the passenger seat on the floorboard of my Company Van and I hop behind the steering wheel. I take some time to check the damage to my work pants, they are a goner. The whole crotch is ripped out zipper to back pockets. More like a long legged loin cloth at this point. I stare at the pig in a blanket...Me Tarzan, you Porky. So I merge back onto the Interstate and think I'll stop at the first exit and find a local and figure out which Farmer this piglet belongs to. The next exit is just up the road. Turn signal. Gas Station. Cool, things are looking up. I'm NOT going to be getting out of the car in my condition. I pull underneath the overhang of the Gas Station and honk at the girl behind the registers. She waves back at me. I honk again. She waves and smiles some more, really friendly girl. I motion for her to come out to the car, she's perplexed but she comes on out anyway. I explain the whole piglet/blanket/split crotch/State Trooper story and ask her if she knows anyone around here that might be missing a pig. She laughs, looks at the pig sleeping in the book bag and tells me that there was an accident involving a Telephone Pole earlier and all the phone lines are down. She can't call anyone for me. I think I'm going to be late to see my TV show. She happily points out a house about a mile further down the road that might be able to help me. Not much else around on this exit of the Interstate. I thank her and head out to that house. I pull into the driveway and there is the house and to the left of it a large barn/outbuilding. I can hear a lawn mower so I know someone is home. I honk my horn. Nothing. I honk my horn. Nothing. I see an older lady riding a lawn mower pass from behind the house towards the back of the barn/outbuilding, right to left. I honk my horn and wave my arms at her. She's kinda far away. She sees me and ignores me. She disappears behind the barn/outbuilding. After a bit the lady comes back the other way on her riding lawn mower moving from left to right. I honk my horn and wave my arms at her. She sees me and ignores me. She disappears behind the house. I think I'm going to be late to see my TV Show. I am NOT going to abandon this piglet, and I'm NOT taking Porky back with me to Omaha. I doubt he likes watching TV anyway. In for a penny, in for a pound. I'm going to drive further down the road and find someone who might want this piglet. Easy as pie. No problemo. Back out of driveway. Turn down the road away from the Interstate. Should be another house soon. Five minutes no house. Not worried. Ten minutes no house. I think I've gone about 5 miles. Fifteen minutes no house. I'm pretty far from the Interstate. Twenty minutes no house. I think I'm going to be late to see my TV show. Twenty five minutes no house. Porky is still sleeping in the book bag. Thirty minutes no house. I'm about to give into despair. Thirty five minutes EUREKA! There is a mobile home on cinder blocks with a nice horse barn just a bit further down the road. I cross my fingers. I pull into the yard and honk my horn. An older man and his wife come out onto the little metal store bought front steps from inside their mobile home. I wave at them and they come on over to the van. They are in their late 70's or so and look to be just barely getting by. He's wearing glasses taped on the side, three days worth of beard growth, a wife beater undershirt, old blue jeans and a Dekalb Corn baseball cap. She's overweight and wearing a shift dress and men's tennis shoes and squints at me like she's supposed to be wearing glasses. I understand these people. I introduce myself and he introduces himself and his wife. I am embarrassed to tell you I cannot remember their names. I explain the whole piglet/blanket/split crotch/State Trooper/Gas Station/Lady riding lawn mower story to them and he just looks at me. He goes around to the passenger side of the Van and looks at the pig and then comes back around. Hand me your pants he tells me and his wife will fix them for me. I take off my pants, dump out everything in my pockets and hand them to him. I don't have much to lose in that department, dignity left about three stops ago. He hands the pants to his wife and without saying a word she disappears into the mobile home. He tells me about his son in the Army and we talk about the Military. He tells me about his Championship Horses and how much money he gets in stud fees. Not 5 minutes later his wife comes back out with my pants. You cannot tell anything bad ever happened to them. I put them on and get out of the Van. I thank the wife and she smiles a toothless grin at me. I ask him if he knows anyone who had lost a piglet. He doesn't. I ask him if he wants a piglet. He informs me that just last year they did have pigs on the place and they still have all the things that you need to take care of a piglet. He wants to pay me for the pig. I tell him no thanks but I would be grateful for him to take the pig off my hands for me. He says OK and we take the piglet out to the horse barn. He sets the piglet up in an old pig stall and all the barn cats come and smell the new addition to their home. They look like a wagon wheel with the piglet standing stock still in the center and about 11 cats with their noses on the piglet radiating out like spokes. Good-bye Porky. I thank the man again and he invites me to have dinner with them. They are having pork chops. I imagine they are probably the best pork chops I will ever eat, but I tell him no thank you. I have to get back to Omaha. He wants me to stop back by the next time I'm driving back from Des Moines and check in on the pig. Really nice people. I drive away, and I think I will still be able to catch my TV show. Easy as pie. No problemo...and I did!
David<~~~~~~~story teller (and it's all true)!

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